Letting Go
Recently the words came out of my mouth while talking with someone, site “Forgiveness is letting go, and letting go is grounding.” Wow, big concept. The more I thought about it, the more I liked it.
I have been experiencing an interesting conglomeration of opportunity from three distinctly different sources – an old boyfriend, a current male friend, and an x-significant man in my life long-term. The old boyfriend resurfaced, asking for re-connection. Against my better judgment, I agreed, but only by email because of the attraction and feelings I still had for him yet no longer desired to act upon. Curiously present as well was a feeling of righteous indignation, as if he had done me wrong and owed me in some way. That’s motivation. That can create intent for action. I knew I didn’t want that. Something had to shift within me…I had felt this indignation many times before, triggered not just by him. Through writing about our feelings and past relationship I received such unexpected gifts. So much was learned and gained through our correspondence that helped me understand myself better. I would have never known had I not let go…
A friend who I have known for many years recently expressed greater feelings for me. I love this person dearly and cherish our friendship, yet do not share the deeper feelings. His admission somehow didn’t feel real – like in some way a fantasy perhaps partially created out of the challenges present in his life. This is all clearer now, but at the time I wanted to run and hide, not face him, and quite honestly not be clear about my feelings in the event they would change. Ongoing as I considered the talk, and subsequent conversations, I began pondering where I stood in the area of fantasy. The recognition bubbled to the surface about old patterns of living out of fantasy (illusion) and denial. Meanwhile, my unclear attempts to inform him I was not interested in an intimate relationship were met with disbelief. This frustrated me and I began experiencing impatience and a lack of respect toward him. Considering all this plus the feelings stirred with the man mentioned above, I finally was able to admit my incredible talent for projecting. Projecting onto others all of my own crap that I haven’t yet faced and embraced. Tremendous letting go…
Reflecting on my past long-term significant relationship seemed to appear center stage right in the midst of it all. The interactions that challenged, triggered and pushed me by the two men brought me squarely to big truths about this major relationship. It honestly began with fantasy and denial that unfolded over the years with blame, projection and lack of respect. From me. That needed to be admitted and discussed with this very important man. Another letting go… Letting go of my self-righteousness, guilt and disrespect, first within me, me forgiving me. A messy path for sure, for as I was reacting within myself to my own awareness the friend mentioned above got into the crosshairs of my reactions. Not a pretty thing. On the other hand, I usually am so contained and check myself carefully so as not to have regrets later about things I’ve said or done. Another letting go, not as an excuse, but it needs to be done responsibly. I am letting go of control….
I am blessed with forgiveness that I have given to and accepted for myself. As for these three noteworthy men? It will be their choice how they respond to me. It will say much about their character. Wait, is that truth or a projection?! As I keep bringing myself back to me I can accept anywhere they are at, no longer being identified by it/them, but being identified only by standing firm and grounded in deeper knowing of who I am. Forgiveness is letting go. And letting go is grounding.
PERFECT TIMING – OR SYNCHRONICITY –
Amazing how life gives you what you need to grow and discover who you are. It seems you are living consciously which is a gift and a blessing. The more conscious and grounded we are, the more powerful we are AND become. We get to discover our true selves — love, light and joy — instead of the projections and fears we think/feel we are.
As we change our thoughts, our world changes and it becomes more beautiful as you are discovering.
We are our choices. The great news, we can always choose again. and with every choice of self-respect and self-love we become brighter. You let go of what was to unleash the vast potential within.
We have the key within to live boldly and courageously regardless of external forces, men, holidays and whatever else included.
You are far more powerful than you imagine.
There are no wasted experiences. As Deborah once told me, we are always moving forward even if we feel like we are failing backwards.
Keep writing. Keep letting go. You are doing great!
Ellen Castro, Chief Energizing Officer and Author of Spirited Leadership: 52 Ways to Build Trust.