I remember going to dinner once with friends of mine and their two children. Their children are very well behaved, but at one point early in the meal my friend turned to one of his sons and whispered something into his ear. Apparently he thought he was getting too loud. I remember the look on his sons face, and I remember he didn’t say a word the rest of the meal.
What did he say? It may have been something like, “When we get home you’re going to get if you aren’t quiet.” That’s what I can imagine anyway. I just remember his face, shame and fear were written all over it.
Isn’t there enough fear and shame in the world? Is that what we want to teach our children? Think for a moment about the things you say in your own mind when you think you made a mistake or have feelings that are uncomfortable; things you may have heard growing up. What does your inner critic say? How does this make you feel? Does this prevent you from fully expressing yourself, your joy, your amazingness?
What’s your choice you may ask? Ahh, that’s the word! Children, even young children understand choices. How about this, “Dear. We are inside a restaurant and you are being too loud. You have a choice. Either you keep your voice down or you are going to loose your TV privileges for the weekend.” Of course you can change the consequences to something else; “you won’t be able to play outside this weekend.”, “we will have to leave.” Make it reasonable, be consistent, and stand by your word!
How do these two approaches compare. One threatens, intimidates and shame’s. The other supports the child lovingly while providing boundaries…I love you dear and you have a choice. I’m giving you a choice because I love you. It’s up to you. You are responsible for the outcome, not me. As the parent it’s my job only to enforce it.
Choose Love.
